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wishful thinking [May. 2nd, 2011|10:46 pm]
Attempting to rent a flea market booth; minor temporary street fair vendor license mailing delays, cash box vs fanny pack, chairs, timing.

Neglected sales tax quarter = estimated taxes of $900 which I'm not going to have to pay but it will be tedious to resolve.

Be careful what you wish for warning #2,291 = Happy hour turned into a full 8 hours of bar time with coworkers. Somehow met a very sweet guy who snuggled with me the whole night, doted on my worries of my friends, whisked me away into a cab home, got out with me and walked me 5 feet to the door. Just a lovely, lovely boy who likes to cook even! Alas, of course there is a BUT - He is 7 years my junior, might be 8 due to a discrepancy of his admitted age to me and another coworker through the course of the night. It's really too bad because in many ways he was just so lovely and sweet. It'd been a long long time since I felt such flurries for anyone or came out of a meeting at the bar with a positive story to tell. Two days later we texted through the night. This comes after being recently reminded of my EMT boy, also 8 years my junior and that horrifying memory. I should be more specific when I hope to meet the perfect someone of my dreams and include that I want them to be reasonably around my age and not someone else who might break my heart by getting dressed under the covers. I'm happy to have had such a lovely fantasy for just a brief moment in time though, comparative to some of my other disasters.

Disasters like a very needy coworker who has me wondering if creating artwork is going to prove dangerous...
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Listen to your intuition and be open to possibilities [Mar. 20th, 2011|09:54 pm]
It was Bear's birthday dinner at a bbq joint and I was adamantly arguing with The Turk about NOT sharing my food. I wanted my OWN plate of ribs and they could all share but I didn't want to participate. We bickered about 1/2 rack vs full rack and the fiscal sense. Even in argument I couldn't logically justify why I was so agitated at the thought of sharing. Fast forward to the end of the meal and I must have intuitively known there was something wrong; my roommate felt ill and had to go home after the meal and vomit, the Turk felt ill as well, Bear felt ill this morning. As it turns out, my roommate and the Turk had eaten most of 2 dishes the others didn't and I thankfully ate my own food. It was weird. After dinner we ended up at Karaoke where somehow a microphone was lost and the bar straight up shut down the music for at least 20 minutes while the bouncers and the entire staff with flashlights dug under people's bags and jackets looking all over for the mic, which they did not find. Otherwise it was a very calm and uneventful celebration.

A few weeks ago I went home and in the car on the way to church my aunt tells me how appreciative she is that I am the only niece/nephew that goes with them to church and goes on to sermonize that I will be rewarded for my devotion and things will be worked out with my job frustrations. Ironically, she mentions buying me a bible and when we arrive at the church they are giving away their old bibles. Not that I disregarded the power of the energy and thoughts we put out, but the world just doesn't work in the way of instant gratification and my supervisor didn't just get obliterated from my job world as I would have hoped and prayed. Weeks go by and I'm accepting my job as it is and the things in my life as I can control and not control. Last Mon. the medical director who I'm friendly with casually invites me to go with him to one of our newly merged/acquired sites in an outerborough. Sure, why not? He's vague about what my role will be there but I'll be helping to "make things better" and we'll be back in our offices by 2pm. I show up at the offices and 15 minutes later it is apparent that I am there with the owner as part of a small team that has convened on the office to basically take over operations and transition them to our operating process and software. We have brought equipment and are actively doing what we do best - taking things over and streamlining their process. Unfortunately, their office manager has not explained a thing to them and no one on our end has explained to me either. I am told hastily I need to get everyone logged into our system and convert them all to our process immediately, while fielding questions. It was the most invigorating and exciting thing I've done in a long time. I got a huge boost of confidence and I still don't know if the med. director is a genius or if things just happened to work out that I was there. I was completely the right person to throw into that scenario. My 3 hour site visit turned into 3 days and I'll probably be asked to be there all this week too. Crazy! It has been a very interesting learning process to see this all happen, really. I appreciate the opportunity to see such a process up close and also to self actualize the skills I wasn't aware that I had. I guess there was some reprieve and shake up with the job stagnation I had been feeling, although it was presented in such an unexpected way!

Now it's time to shake up the meat business.... plotting for a flea market booth in about a month.
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why I can't have anything nice [Jan. 16th, 2011|01:10 am]
Weds I woke up to a cramp in my right calf. I screamed, worst way to wake up. After that I got locked in the trash alley throwing out the trash, with a 20 pound bag of laundry on my shoulder. Later it was the most shit showy day at work. The next day due to the snow I got out early and was on the bus enroute to my friends house when my new iphone that I had bought not TWO WEEKS ago froze up and got stuck on the loading screen w/ the logo. I ran into the nearest phone store upon exiting the bus and was told I should plug it into itunes and restore it. Fine enough except I couldn't use the phone to coordinate with my friend and she was not home. Motherf*&@*&! It was freeeeeezing too, but luckily one of my best friends lives a few blocks away so I showed up there crying flipping out about my phone. We plug my phone into his computer and it goes through the process. It's almost complete when there's an error! Now the phone is neither restored or usable. It's actually stuck on a worse screen. FFFFFFF!!!! I end up going home after Best Buy tells me they can't help me and I'm attempting to restore on MY computer but apparently we have an internet issue at my apartment and my roommate concurrently spends the next hour on the phone with our internet provider trouble shooting. The next day I drag all the way downtown to bring the phone back to my friend to examine. He says his brother can fix it. Which will be good because after I got the iphone another friend was having crackberry issues and I gave her my old phone. Which is how I am now stuck with a shit phone circa 2001. Hopefully Monday my phone will be fixed and back to square one! Also there was almost a gaffe where I almost missed out on absinthe chocolate from Germany and then I have to attend the funeral services of the founder of my company. It was so surreal to be a part of funeral services followed by what essentially is an open bar with passed appetizers in a church. It was almost awkward as everyone networked. I cannot remember how my dad's funeral services went. It was a complete blur to me. I remember standing up to say something but crying and saying nothing. I remember vaguely the Buddhist something or other, the members in their matching sweatshirts up front doing or saying something. I remember my aunt singing "Amazing Grace." I remember lunch in the middle of Old Country Buffet and yelling at a lecherous guys checking out my sister. But everything is a blur. To top off this weirdness, I return home to find a text from my friend that my former bosses husband has passed away as well. I really didn't feel like going out but it was a friends' birthday party, that she had told me about the day before. I was skipping the dinner but decided to meet them out for drinks. I show up at the place at the time and no sign of her. It's not a big place and there wasn't a lot of people. The bouncer asks me if I'm there for a birthday party and then thumbs through a list of all the birthday parties that night - none of them match the name I'm looking for. GREAT. Outside in the freezing cold I text and call a few times. No answer. *sigh I make my way back home. Another night wasted. When I get home there's a text - be there in 5 minutes. UGHS. Oh well, at least I made the effort right? Feeling exhausted I think it's time for bed.
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I got everything I wanted and self destructed, as predicted [Jan. 2nd, 2011|12:45 am]
Somehow NYE weekend turned out even more ridiculous than Christmas. The eve of the Eve already saw me getting a new tattoo and a drunken phone purchase at a birthday party. After a late recovery Friday we plotted a low low key maybe dinner and stop at the bar. It was like a repeat of my birthday. Literally in every aspect. I picked randomly the chill tapas place we had dinner and made a reservation. When we got there this place was everything but chill. We already waited outside in the cold for 30 minutes waiting for a friend of a friend. Then inside we were squished into a table right next to a live band in this very narrow space. People were getting frenetic with noisemakers and we could barely talk or hear each other. 4 minutes of video around midnight was so tedious when I attempted to watch it the next morning.... After dinner we all dragged on to a bar through crowds of unruly masses. We end up at the ol' Crocodile Lounge, the second part of birthday debacle. My fellow poor life choicer and I start with car bombs, I cajole everyone into taking bad photo booth photos and his friend calls me bossy. The end of the night has us running out for a party we couldn't find that may or may not have had transvestites and drag queens. We all part ways and I give the boy a hug and kiss and the last thing I remember is asking if he wants to hang before he leaves for 2 weeks and he basically says no. Well, I suppose it was an interesting experiment the past couple months but good thing for long leaves. He will leave on vacation and we will resume our usual game of semi-annual meetings over dinner and drinks. Sans party, we go back to the lounge for last drinks and the rest of the night is blurry. I'm told we were talking to a Marine that had creepy eyes, I was having a long conversation with someone I was lying to, I fell, then vomited when we got home after a cab ride I don't remember. The worst part was when my aunt calls in the morning and I must have answered the phone so pathetically. My aunt didn't stop laughing for 5 minutes. When my Uncle comes by to bring me something a couple hours later he just shakes his head and looks at me "Did you stay out too late?" Yes. "Did you have too much to drink?" Yes.

Well, I certainly got everything I wanted 2010 but I don't think that everything I wanted necessarily made me very happy. A very melancholy day today in reflection.
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It was a weird Christmas. [Dec. 26th, 2010|08:54 pm]
We'll just say that I drank too much bourbon and ended up staying the night. Once everyone left it got out of control. I'm worried that we made a mistake but I suppose we needed some sort of a catalyst. I don't know what I think of this side I have never seen and I don't know what I'm willing to do but it seems like it will be fun if it works out. If it doesn't work out this could go down as one of the most fucked up Christmas' I've ever had. Please let this be mildly humorous and NOT like the guy who had a seizure in my bed.
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silver linings [Dec. 18th, 2010|12:00 pm]
Trying hard to be mindful of not being too negative as a few of my fb statuses have resulted in very concerned phone calls and comments. I'm always a little sad during the holidays but felt like this season was especially surrounded by death and dying. After my work xmas party where I felt especially saddened after a night of whiskey, I decided I hated my fb profile photo and found a replacement. The replacement was somehow a photo of me and J who had passed away the day before my birthday. The next day, soul aching, J's mother fb friend requested me because she had seen the photo and messaged me requesting more photos if I had any. I felt so ashamed and I didn't know how to speak to her. I suppose that I completely understand all this after going through my father's death. But I really do feel ashamed and guilty that my last two trips back I never made a serious attempt to see him, and our one attempt.... I guess this is what we all think in the face of death. Bear pointed out last night as I griped that I ALWAYS feel like I'm surrounded by death. Great. I get it. I'll try to just keep it to myself. I'm not so depressed this year as more melancholy though, glad to have spent last weekend painting with my family. I should be very grateful that I'm close in proximity with my aunt and uncle again. I have the rare chance to relive my childhood in a away when I have the occasional weekends there and also my uncle has given me the gift of having a father in my father's absence. I don't think I ever really understood what all this meant until now. Even explaining it to my sister was weird; to explain to your sister that our aunt and uncle are like my parents and her not feeling the same is weird. I feel extremely blessed to have the relationship that I do with them considering how vague and empty the relationship I have with my own mother.

Missed K's birthday celebrations last night because of the painting and went out last night with him and Bear instead. Roommie was supposed to come too but got drunk at the company work party. K went home to his gf and Bear came home with me. I told him he could gladly come home with me BUT he had to sleep on the futon. Victory for me! He asked me why and I said it was because I knew what would happen if he slept in my bed. So he asked why is that bad? It's not like anything has been happening with me and my friend I have a crush on but it seems like our intentions are clearer now and I want to keep this pure. We haven't ever done anything, not even a kiss. If it were anyone else I don't think it would be such an objection, but for him... maybe that's why it's different.
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I have a big mouth [Dec. 11th, 2010|10:15 am]
My douchebag supervisor has been around about 3 months now; multiple patient care issues, scheduling gaffes, no supplies, lies that he is doing things I'm doing. I've made multiple complaints and aggressively documented everything to C who is the supervisor above him. I should have involved D from the beginning, but for some reason I felt like that was going to far, or perhaps I was just lazy. B is the 3rd administrator involved who hired the d-bag in the first place and for some reason has been fighting for him, although others have heard yelling behind closed doors. D-bag was out of the office for two days and in a conversation with C it was suspected that the payroll wasn't done and I asked if I should send an email. Well, the d-bag was upset because he claimed he DID do the payroll although one of our techs said that he didn't. B comes down and speaks with the d-bag upon his return and then pulls me aside and told me I shouldn't have sent it. Many lessons come from this patronizing meeting; I'm young and I need to slow down, he goes through the chain of command - I work for the d-bag, who works for C, who works for B. The lesson is completed with "sometimes the tortoise wins the race." Ok, I get it. I need to back off with my aggressive style. One of my big problems is that I don't like rules and regulations, but in the absentia of supervision I spazz a lot and I need containment. My supervisor has basically left me completely alone to decide what my role is. My role is defined, but since he has not asserted any control or been supportive in any crisis, I basically feel like I have no support system and no one to report to. I complain rather loudly and apparently blunty, someone actually asked me if I was a Saggitarius because of my bluntness! It's time for others to start complaining now.

Thursday was the company xmas party. I was speaking with D there and he apologized for the sexual harrassment incident, citing they had met about it with the d-bag. However, there was some confusion so I mentioned that there was other stuff going on and he was unaware. He asked me to fill him in and at the end of the day Friday I forwarded all the emails to him. I'm afraid I might have opened up more worms. My friend keeps telling me that I shouldn't trust certain people but I don't want to keep completely quiet. I want to pull back in offense but I don't want B to think that he can silence me so easily. I want to be completely transparent since I am painfully aware that the entire office knows my business anyways. I have been embroiled in strange quagmires since my hire based soley on the fact of who I was acquainted with. Lots of whiskey and boozing up and I ended up staying out too late and C seemed mocking as we were all joking and he repeatedly said,"Oh, well if these guys are giving you any trouble....." I felt like he was mocking me and all my complaints and it made me feel so sad. I complained mostly because others came to me and they were afraid to say anything. I felt like I was asked to take care of our department and my responsibility was to say the things others couldn't. I feel like I was given this to do. It's just very lonely when I know that my business is everywhere and that it has to be this way. I'm not ashamed of the things I've done and I don't want to be like everyone else laughing and snickering behind everyone's back but not doing anything about it. However I'm pretty sure I can't make big waves, just splashing around until I'm done flailing. Sad.
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I genuinely feel sad [Dec. 2nd, 2010|12:42 pm]
I'm home sick, genuinely sick, and have more than the usual few minutes to peruse facebook and friends' profiles. There's one friend who I know has written, was it last week?, that he was "logging off" until after the wedding. I knew he was getting married but I don't know how many of our group knew too much about it because one of our friends and his fiancee got into a weird fight. Realize, we are all in our late 20s and I'm certainly in my early 30s; however, that being said, we apparently can still wind up participating in such childish things out of convenience. I'm not saying it was right, but damn that Sirloin (manager from past that we all still chuckle at)! It was one of those times when someone says something to me profound enough I take the lesson into my life. "Pick your fights!" It's not the most profound statement by far, but at that time I had just moved from NYC to Denver and I was still young enough to think I should fight all the injustices I felt. Flash forward like 10 years and another couple and this particular couple were buddy bffs after the rest of the group splintered, moved, and separated from partnerships. One girl feels slighted by other girl during particular low in her life; real or imagined, none of us were in the state when this all went down. Slighted girl implores us all to unfriend other girl after other girl unfriends her in a whole other drawn out sequence where even the men are involved. Perceived threats, real phone calls, broken hearts. What do we do? Do we do it out of loyalty? Even if it's pretty childish? Yes, I suppose we do and we did. It's been a year, and although I never defriended the guy I'm friends with, he never defriended me either, I've really ceased to communicate with him. I think back on when we first all met and we were close and we used to all hang out and he and I used to talk. Even when I moved from Denver and we had our last lunch together and talked. Something about this just makes me so very sad, so genuinely sad. He is such a good person and I wish him much happiness. I'm glad he's happy and has finally found someone to build a life with. I'm terribly sad that such a selfishly childish transaction has cut him out of my life and out of the loop in such a major part of his life.
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trapped in a haunted house [Oct. 31st, 2010|03:11 pm]
Turning myself into a nightmare was actually kind of a nightmare in itself. My house is covered in blood, makeup trampled all over the wood floors and a head injury. Friday night I went to a Steam Punk Haunted House where I was trapped for a very long time. We waited on standby for an hour and then once inside phones off, separated from friends, exploring an old playhouse propped out eerily a la the Ring/Exorcist, actors running throughout the scenes screaming and torturing one another. The stage had a cut out where a very rusty crank was being pulled by a long chain, steam eminating from the cut out. You could peer down to see the gears, which from time to time was being serviced by another actor. There was no obvious way out and after 15 minutes the suspense turned into suspense of when I was going to be let out. I found Herry but a few minutes later we were separated again. I noticed another couple seriously trying to break out through a side stairway door. After awhile there was an exodus of people but I wasn't allowed out. My lantern broken I approached the girl guarding the door. Was I sure I had been there more than 15 minutes, definitely. Another girl exchanged my lantern and assured me I would be let out when it was time. Finally when I was let out to I frantically searched for Herry, he had already been waiting for me 20 minutes and calling me wondering if I had already left. ONLY ME! Trapped! Herry asked,"What's the smell, like a scarey smell?" There had been a vaguely unidentifiyable odor in the whole haunted house. Oh wait, an actress pinned me against the wall and I quickly realized - B.O. EEEEEW! She was so pungent she had infested the whole haunted house with her b.o. YUCK!

Saturday we doused our zombie costumes in blood....which we should have done the week before. We forgot drying time! I frantically used a hairdryer to dry the blood. It's bad enough to have to put on wet bloody clothes but then what if we touched other people?! Which was a good consideration because we met up with my friend who was using his good suit for a costume. No hugging tonight! LOL We ran around with him and another friend to Brooklyn for a house party and then back to e. village for bar hopping with K and his gf. The whole evening was hilarious. We were taking pictures all over the place of me eating various people as a zombie on the train there and back, party, e. village. It was a complete riot! Stayed out way to late and had to shower off all our nastiness at 3 am. The shower head popped off the hose and exploded all over the bathroom, after we had already destroyed it with blood and makeup. I thought my roommate was calling for assistance but was only shouting a warning which I didn't heed. I hurried in the kitchen with a wrench and slipped sideways on the rug and water, smacking my head on the wall. I was down for the count. I hurt my foot and have a huge headache now. Or maybe that was the punch. oooooooooooooooooo....injured in my own house!

I have to go pick up a birthday cake now for d.j. and then another party to set up for and more zombies to make!
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how to be an asshole [Oct. 28th, 2010|09:09 pm]
I was given this book on how to be an asshole for my birthday, which I read and took from it some lessons although most of it was semi entertainment. The truth is that it did reinforce some staple facts of succeeding, mainly confidence even in the face of you being seen as an asshole. For once in my life I have a pretty good job that I like. Financial compensation is fair, but of course, I could make more. Decent benefits. However the aspects I like the best are that my hours are adjustable and no one really tells me what to do. I do whatever it is I need to do, based on my best judgement, and I get things done. Downside is, no one tells me what to do. Not that my job requires too many brain cells to do but I'm left wondering just how it is that I'm stressed out because of NO real rules? There are so many whispering conspiracies all the time and weird alliances here. How much of my success is the fact that everyone whispers about my vague friendship with the director? Which is actually none, minus the fact we used to work together elsewhere. There have been major changes and yet stagnation since I've been there the past three months and I wonder how much of my success is due to my perceived ties, and how much of it is my own networking power. The new sleazy supervisor is beginning to strike me as a manipulator - but it's so obvious, is he doing it on purpose? What kind of game is he playing? I feel like everyone is playing games.
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